


It's Hard Sometimes

by HopePotter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Artist MJ, Artist Steve Rogers, Cookies, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues, Some Flash Thompson, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-08-16 21:43:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16503242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopePotter/pseuds/HopePotter
Summary: Michelle Jones has struggled with depression for a while. And she tries to manage. And keep her cold hearted facade on. But with Ned, as well as Peter's dysfunctional family, it was a bit harder than expected.Ft. (Artist Michelle Jones)





	1. Books And Iced Coffee

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Quillium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quillium/gifts).



> Hey! I know a second work? But this is something I've been working on and want your opinion on. First chapter is okay, and I'll give warnings. Feedback would be great if you could and enjoy! Avengers in the next chapter!
> 
> (Also, I didn't mean anything about Its Kind Of A Funny Story. Im reading it and I like it so sorry abt that)
> 
> ~Hope
> 
> Ps. Why don't we have a lot of Artist MJ fics?

 It was another one of those days. MJ would try to drag herself out of bed, waste 10 minutes by lying and convincing her brain that she was fine. _News Flash: She wasn't._ However, school was a must, so she rolled off her bed; her wrinkled baby blue duvet accompanying her to the floor. It did little to stop the fall though, and Michelle heard her mother call out with amusement.

 "Oh thank the Lord! She's alive!"

 Her lips twitched, she was trying so hard to smile at her mom's lighthearted and fun comments. But alas, it wasn't going to happen right now.

_Sigh._ She could slowly feel the side near her bottom rib bruise; it was at times like these where she wished she could be Peter; he wouldn't have to worry about it with his healing. She may even consider taking his Parker Luck as part of the package. Anyways, all jokes aside, she didn't want to be late.

She liked to think that she always had a suspicion that he was Spiderman (or _Spidey_ as her and Ned called him on all their group chats). He had finally confirmed it when he saved her once and she confronted him about it. Of course, being the dork that he is, he tripped over his words and spilled it (Not that she didn't already know).

As her thoughts snapped back to reality, she went to the washroom; she did her business, then stepped up in front of the sink, looking at her reflection in the fogged up mirror. After applying toothpaste to her toothbrush, the mint flavour stinging her mouth, she rinsed and washed her face with a new cleanser she had tried out. Her mom said that it was nice and apparently did 'wonders to her skin', MJ didn't disagree. It was pretty nice. The grapefruit flavoured soap did make her day a bit better; made her feel productive in a way.

Walking out of the bathroom, she scanned her room. A plethora of books sat on her bookshelves, begging her to read them again. Unfortunately for them, she was in the middle of reading another book that she had borrowed from her teacher the other day, "It's Kind Of A Funny Story" by Ned Vizzini. Apparently, it was a really good book. There were a lot of things that were apparent, it seemed.

Update on the book? It wasn't a funny story. It was about a depressed and suicidal kid that learns what happens when you don't take your meds. Hint: it's not good. It was an interesting book though so she was going to continue it.

She looked at her bed, now unmade, her cover crumpled in a heap on the floor. Wooden bed frame, sturdy, and nice to work on. Her desk was white with four drawers. She had white fairy lights in many places around her room. On top of her garland of people she respected and admired was Pepper Potts, Tony Stark (she could tell he was trying), Black Widow, Scarlet Witch, and basically all the Avengers; as well as her friends Peter and Ned (but she would deny it even if Spidey webbed her up and left the webbing to dissolve in 2 hours).

There wasn't much else in her room. She was working on it. There was a window that was wide enough to read her books in. She thinks it was called a corner window? It was cool. She put some throw pillows on one side and looked at it longingly. If only she could read now, but she had to get ready for school.

Looking at her options, she ended up wearing her favourite pair of black leggings, along with a turtleneck and an oversized jean jacket. Putting her hair up quickly in a ponytail, she snatched her bag with all-nighter quality homework in it and slid her phone from her nightstand into her pockets.

Walking downstairs, she grabbed a granola bar from the pantry and went to the kitchen to make her iced coffee (yes every day, shh). She found her mom in there, getting ready to go to work. Dressed in a black blazer and a black pencil skirt. (U _m is she going to a funeral?_ )

She looked pretty.

"Morning honey," Her mom smiled at her softly.

"Buenos Dias," She replied back, practising her Spanish.

Her mom just rolled her eyes; then looked at her, with an assessing gaze.

_Please don't ask if I took them, please-_

"Michelle, did you take your meds?"

She pretended to think. "No?"

"Ugh sweetie you know you have to take them. They'll help calm down the chemical imbalance-

"-In my brain yea I know. But it's been 2 months. I should be able to handle it."

 Her mother looked at her fondly; "You're allowed to get help, you know. If someone gave you and your friend a puzzle, and you didn't use the instructions, but they did, would you think of them differently for using it?"

 MJ looked at her.  "No, I guess not."

"Exactly. Same goes for you. Just think of it as an extra thing you do to have a way better day." She patted her hair back.

"It's on the counter, all right? I have to go now but I love you, okay? Have fun at school and say hi to the boys for me. And tell that Parker kid to loosen up a bit. He looks like he has a frog in his mouth whenever he visits. Won't even call me Maria!"

 "Sure mom, good luck!"

After she heard the door shut and lock, she smiled to herself. _I think I know where I got my attitude from. But to be honest, nobody calls there friends mom by their first name._

She looked at the time.

_Yikes! 7:10! I have 10 minutes until I have to catch the bus. Better get started on that coffee!_

Exactly 10 minutes later, Michelle was out the door and on the city bus in Queens to get to Midtown, praying that the day would be as bright as the sunlight cascading down her brown locks, heat relaxing on her cheekbone.

 

 

_Just wait till I find Parker._

 


	2. Bad Days and Timed Swims

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MJ goes to school, and learns what happens when SHE doesn't take her meds.
> 
> But she did say that she would go to the spider kids house. Curse her brain. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know its been more than a week, but the long chapter I was trying to post didn't work out. Still, 1000+ words so don't worry! Hope you are all taking care of yourselves and thank you to anyone who reads this! To whoever was reading my other work, "Scars are Never Hidden", I took it down for personal reasons and for that, I'm sorry. Hopefully, you like this fic though! Anyways, thank you to whoever read this fanfic, I'm very happy.
> 
> TW  
> -Low Self Esteem  
> -Anxiety  
> -Self Hatred Thoughts
> 
> Enjoy your weekly dose of angst, new chapter coming soon!
> 
> ~Hope ♥

 

 

When she got to the front of the school, her eyes immediately scanned the groups of kids outside.

_Well, the losers are obviously not in the big groups over there._

She looked around for smaller groups, finding a group of two girls, three boys, and a group of two boys, one waving a comic around, probably discussing a theory. It was a surprise that it hadn't hit him yet. Speaking of the two boys,  _Nerds._

 

_Found them._

As she made her way towards them, she noticed three hot beverages sitting within the cardboard tray.  _They are way to nice._

_See what she meant about Parker?_

Fishing a black pen out of her pocket, (you never know when you need to draw or write something down) she finally made it to where they were standing.

 

"Hey loser, catch."

She tossed the pen towards Peter as his face changed in slow motion.  _And my day has been made._

He looked at her with wide eyes, shoving the tray of drinks into Ned's hands, who barely managed to save it. Then, Peter shot his hand forward and caught it. Sighing happily. It was comical.

She smiled to herself.

"Nice to know you would drop everything to help me."

Peter's cheeks turned bright red as he spluttered "No! I wouldn't!"

She looked at him with amusement floating in her eyes.

"Yea, of course. A pen is so much more important than the  _drinks_ that I'm assuming you bought, Right?"

 

 

Peter looked like a tomato. Cute, small and red.

 

"If you turn any redder I think you'll burst into flames. Calm down." 

He opened his mouth to retort back when the bell rang, signalling the start of class.

She leaned forward and plucked her drink (A black coffee. Like her heart) from Ned's hands; smiling playfully at them and winking. Then she turned to get to her first class, giving them the bird (a personalized goodbye).

 

However, right as she turned, her smile fell.  _She hated it. Can I just be happy for one freaking day?_

Walking to her class, she felt like everyone's gaze was on her.  _Everyone knows your not okay. Stop trying. Breathe. Freaking breathe. Is it really that hard? It was sad that this was her definition of funny._

As she went through the door, the feeling stayed.  _God, why was she so self-conscious? She forgot to take her meds. Easy answer. But it wasn't. Why? Because life wasn't easy. And depression was her life. Or, that's what it felt like._ Someone was calling her. As she snapped out of her thoughts, she put on a smile and looked up.  _Same old, same old._

 

 

 

"Sorry, what was the question?"

****

 

 

 

Fortunately, 4th period had arrived.

Unfortunately?

 

 

More acting. As she took a tray and got some food, she spotted the boys in the corner of the cafeteria and decided to tag along. Like she always did. She had felt closer to them, and for that reason, she sat next to Peter. Today was no different. Ned was whispering something to him and as we made eye contact, he looked at Ned in the face that she liked to call:

' _She's coming, shut up!_ '

It was a bit sad that Parker felt like he should keep secrets, but...  _But what? You know you're not as close to him as Ned is. Get over yourself MJ, not everyone is going to like you._

 

 

"Mich- MJ?"

As you were ripped from your thoughts once again, you looked at the source of the sound. It was Peter. He was looking at you with something in his eyes.  _Sadness? Concern? You couldn't tell._

"Mhm?" She looked at them with the most neutral expression she could muster.

"Um, are you okay?"

Her heart jumped.  _What gave it away? Nothing he's just observant._

"Yea I'm fine, just tired."

Peter had a disbelieving look on his face, and she knew the conversation wasn't over.

He tried to smile, but it looked more of a grimace.

"Alright. Well, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out after school at my house? Ned can't come."

"Yea, sorry man I have to babysit my little sister" Ned added in, an eye roll accompanying the statement.

 

 

_My heart started beating faster. There's no doubt he'll bring it up if you go. But if you don't, there's no excuse. And your therapist wanted you to get out more. So...I guess that's a yes._

 

 

"Oh, sure, why not" she replied, faking a light smile to convince them.  _Or maybe just yourself. Loser._

 

 

_'Its just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun mom'_

The spoken word poetry 'Explaining My Depression To My Mother' would pop into her head every once in a while, but the line was true.

 

 

"Alright then, see you at your locker then!"

"Sure, loser" She said as she stuck her tongue out. Looking at the time, she sighed.  _Class starts in two minutes._

"I have to get to class now, see you later,"

She got up from her spot on the bench, looking at her tray.  _We didn't eat, again. Well you didn't deserve it, did you?_

She muttered a whole bunch of colourful sentences directed at her brain and grabbed a granola bar from her lunch tray.

_There. I'm gonna eat it whether you like it or not you piece of-_

 

 

She then pushed it towards Peter and looked him in the eye.

"Take it, you need it. Those french fries aren't enough."

Peter gave her a shy smile.

"Thanks, but you need food too,"

"I know, I'll grab something on my way from the cafeteria."

He looked at her seriously then nodded.

"Alright, bye!"

"Bye MJ!" Ned said as he turned to show Peter a picture of what she thinks he said was his dog, Quinn? Peter's face brightened as he laughed, a small crinkle on his right eye.

 

 

As their discussion became background noise, she couldn't help but feel the empty void of her chest expand.

She never ended up eating the granola bar after all.

****

 

Phys. Ed was her last class of the day. Both Ned and Peter were in it, but they were partners (as usual) so MJ decided to work alone. It was swimming.  _Michelle never really minded swimming but today just wasn't a good day._

 

"Alright, class! Today we're going to time you guys one by one on your front crawl, alright? Who wants to go first? Nathan? Okay then-"

MJ looked tiredly out the window. She picked up bits and pieces of conversations.  _And more about lego and dogs from that duo over there. Stop listening to them, MJ._

 

 

"MJ? You're up!"

As she slipped into the water, she heard laughter. They're not laughing at you, don't focus on them.

 

"Go!"

Michelle swam as fast as she could, her thoughts throwing her off balance.  _Just keep swimming you idiot._ She felt her arms move through the water like a knife, the smooth blue water encasing her with warmth. She was exerting a lot of effort into her strokes, causing her head to pound. This continued for the next three laps until finally, she stopped and pulled herself out.

"Time?"

  

 

Coach looked at her.

"2:17. That's almost double the amount of your usual. You okay Jones?"

"Um, it's just a bad day. I'll do better next time." 

He looked at her like he knew what she was talking about.

 

 

"Alright then. Next up is-"

 

 

She sat on one of the benches on the side, her heart dropping.  _Wow, what a failure. 2:17? What did- no don't compare don't compare don't compare-_

 

 

"Leeds? 2:00! Good job. Parker? 1:15?! You should consider the swim team."

If MJ had looked a second longer, she would have got the short panic and fear on Peters' face. However, she took out her sketchbook and flipped to the 'I draw people in crisis' page. She found Peter, his head down in detention, and Ned when his pizza fell. Today, she sketched someone new into her distress series.

 

 

 

_Herself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I know I say to comment and not many do, so I'm here to say don't worry. I know its hard to comment because it's tiring sometimes and you got to find the right words, and maybe you just forget. As a person who does this sometimes as well, I'm here to tell you its okay. Dont worry about it. Like Chris Evans said, "Tell that voice in your head, shhhh"
> 
> OR
> 
> "SHUT UP VOICE! I WANT TO READ MY FANFICS IN PEACE"  
> -aka, me.
> 
> Alright! Hope you enjoyed ♥ 
> 
> Have a great day and remember, I'm always available to talk!


	3. Thai Food and Mario Kart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MJ at Peters house.
> 
> ft. Mario Kart contest and the start of a deep conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm failing at school (not literally, but I screwed up my math test)  
> Hope you enjoy and leave a comment or feedback! I love it when you tell me what you think. Thank you for 250+!
> 
> ~Hope ♥♥♥

The day had finally ended, and all MJ wanted to do was go home and sleep. Life had other plans.

She felt somebody lightly tap her shoulder and she snapped her head around.

_Phew. Just Peter._

The loser was standing there, hands closing in on each other, bouncing on the balls of his feet like a kid nervous to get their mark after a test.

_If he was nervous, why did he ask?_

Since he didn't look to eager to start a conversation, she spoke.

"Hey loser, are we going or what?"

Peter immediately brightened.

MJ felt a tug at her heart. She  _scared_ him.

His face dropped a bit as he noticed her sad expression. She  _hated_ it.  _What was wrong with her? Idiot. You worded it wrong. What the fuck is wrong with you? Ugh._

She smiled at him. As they walked out the doors and down the stairs, Peter broke the silence.

He was  _nervous,_ she noticed as he scratched his neck.

"Um, MJ? We actually aren't going to my house."

She looked at him, humming a bit, telling him to continue.

 "We're going to Stark Tower. We don't have to go if you don't like it..it's just I thought you would like it and it's fine if you don't, of course, it is heh-"

 She interrupted.

 "-Peter, its fine. I think I want to see the place you work in all the time for your 'internship'," Michelle wiggled her eyebrows as she spoke, causing Peter to let out a laugh that ripped her heart out.

 

_No. You shouldn't be happy. If you're happy, are you really depressed? Stop it. You're faking you're faking you- Michelle? Were at the car come on! Hey, you okay?_

That wasn't her. That was Peter.

She looked up to see them standing outside a black sports car, with the driver paying no mind to the problem at hand.

 

"Hm?"

 

"MJ, I asked if you were okay? You looked sad."

 

She laughed in her head.  _Aren't I always?_

 

"Yea, I'm fine. Just got distracted. Thanks though."

 

"Ah alright, then.."

 

She rolled her eyes. What a  _punk._

 

"Hey, Pete?"

 

"Yea?"

 

"You gonna get in the car? The driver, Happy I think that's what you called him, is staring at us like were his next prey. His name doesn't fit."

 

She looked at Happy with a sharp death stare, and he looked  _disturbed?_ Well, at least that confirmed her theory about being scary.  _Great._

 

Looking back at Peter, his face was red and he was muttering as he entered the car.

 

As Michelle followed, only one thought was a mantra in her head.  _I am so screwed._

 

***

 

Stark Tower (or Avenger Tower), was amazing. Michelle hated that she couldn't enjoy this more.  _Ugh stupid stupid stupid._

 

Peter, on the other hand, looked  _adorable._ His eyes lit up as if he had never centred the building and he was shaking with excitement as he pulled her hand towards the entrance.  _Yes, she took a picture for her lock screen, don't worry about it._

 

He looked at her.

 

"Mr Stark and Mrs Potts are in a meeting but maybe they'll join us later."

 

"It's okay. Hope you only said good stuff," she teased him.

 

"You'll see," he said, sticking his tongue out.

 

After a bit of walking and waiting in an elevator, they (she) found a living room. On the table was 2 boxes of Thai food.

 

"I didn't know whether you liked it so I guessed?"

 

MJ smiled.

 

"You guessed right. Now let's go eat. The Thai food isn't gonna disappear on its own."

 

So the two teens took their food and kept walking. They walked into a room that was most definitely Peter's guest room.

 

It suited him well.

 

He jumped right onto the bed, the mattress dipping under him as he yelled "MARIO KART TOURNAMENT!"

 

Michelle looked at him with a smirk. "You did  _not_  just say that. Everyone knows I'm the queen of Mario Kart."

 

Peter gaped at her in mock offence.

 

"What? I'm the  _king_ of Mario Kart. Looks like we'll have to fight for the throne. Shall we?"

 

MJ smiled at him mischievously.

 

"We shall."

 

And that is how, an hour later, they were on playing their final match to break the tie, and MJ threw a banana in his path, slowing him down at the last second, as she crossed the finish line.

  

"And the  _Queen_  of Mario Kart wins the tournament!"

 

To this day, Peter denies the scream that echoed through the building (also known as the scenario that follows).

 

"NOOOO, YOU CHEATED! I HATE YOU!"

 

"I didn't cheat, I used a strategy that I shall not reveal."

 

As Peter continued whining like a 5-year-old, 'how could you do this to me?!', 'what a tragedy!' and 'I have been wounded!', Michelle took a picture. No, it wasn't her new lock screen (Yes it was).

 

However, all good things come to an end, and as MJ finished the remains of her noodles, and scored the box into the garbage, (Peter complimented her 'skills' and begged her to play basketball. "Please? I'll come to every game with a big poster that says 'GO MJ!' please") Peter spoke up.

 

"Hey MJ?"

 

"Yea?"

 

"Um, can we talk?"

 

Her heart stopped and she tried to get her emotions under control as she spoke.

 

"What? About a rematch? I won fair and square."

 

"Michelle."

 

And that's when she froze. Peter never called her Michelle unless he was being serious. Like when he told her about Spider-Man.  _Shoot._

 

"Yea?"

 

"You know that you can talk to me about anything, right?"

 

She sighed.

 

"Yes loser, I know."

 

"Then talk."

 

She looked at him, dumbfounded.

 

"I'm sorry?"

 

"Apology accepted. Now tell me what's wrong."

 

She grabbed one of the pillows from his bed and  _squeezed._ No one knew about any of this, except for her mom, and even she didn't know everything.

 

"Alright, but let me tell you, it's going to be a long conversation. And you better not judge me or act differently."

 

He gave her a small, understanding smile, and lay down next to her.

 

"Okay."

 

And for once, it really felt  _okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for reading and tell me what you think!
> 
> I love you all, and stay safe, take care, and hydrate!


	4. Friends and Blanket Burritos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deep talk part two.
> 
> Ft. Put it on the fridge protocol by @shesellsseagulls (Instagram)
> 
> Basically:  
> -Mj and Peter finish their talk.  
> -Tony hears.  
> -Fluff ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry thus chapter is a bit shorter but covers quite a bit. I really wanted to get a chapter up.
> 
> Into the Spider-Verse is out!
> 
> Tw:  
> ~self-harm is mentioned once
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ~Hope <3

 

 

Michelle was terrified. She never told him everything. But she said enough. She told him about the pills. The anxiety that came randomly. The negativity. But she wouldn't tell him about her self-harm. That would be tackled another day.

 

When Peter heard, he smiled.

 

She was confused.

 

"Why are you smiling? Do you find it _funny?_ "

 

Peter immediately stopped.

 

"No! Sorry, it's just, I'm glad you trusted me with this."

 

 _Ugh._ Screw Parker and his _mushy feelings._

 

But, to her horror, she started _crying._

 

Come on, get a grip. You build a wall for years and now your spilling everything?

 

Then she felt someone hug her, their hair tickling her nose, and she knew it was Peter. She hugged him back. It was awkward for a couple of seconds, but then they both relaxed into it. They stayed like that for a while, because 'god can she stop crying?' Curse her nerves. Forcing her to ball her eyes out and not giving her a heads up.

 

"Michelle?" Peter asked with a muffled voice, his face buried in her shirt.

 

"Yes, dork?" She tried to say sarcastically. Her voice cracked. _Wow,_ what a _traitor._

 

"Are we friends?"

 

MJ's heart clenched, and her heart (stone cold, might she add) filled with some warm and comforting feeling. She smiled softly.

 

"No."

 

She felt Peter's heartbeat jump in fear, and she laughed as she pushed him off the bed.

 

"You're such a loser. I can't deal with any more emotions today."

 

Peter groaned as he fell off the bed with a 'humph' sound, that made him look even smaller in the blanket burrito.

 

"Michelle," Peter whined.

 

Her only response was to roll off the bed and fall on top of him. The blanket provided a barrier between them, and MJ could only _hear_ the shriek that tumbled out of the blanket that was Peter Parker.

 

 

 

What they didn't know, however, was that Tony had heard everything. And 'seen' it too.

 

"Friday?"

 

"Yes, boss?"

 

"Would you save this video to the file called 'put it on the fridge protocol'?"

 

"I have already saved it."

 

"Thanks, Friday."

 

Tony smiled softly at the scene in front of him. It was a sweet video, which reminded him of how selfless and caring the kid was.

 

He felt guilty for invading Michelle's privacy, but the good thing is that he found her prescription for antidepressants. Maybe he'd give them to Peter so he could remind her and give her if she forgot.

 

"Friday?"

 

"Yes, boss?"

 

"Can you put 'make a room for MJ' on a list under 'yes your honour' and remind me to get started on it at 10 o'clock?"

 

"Of course."

 

MJ was definitely going to be an important person in real life _and_ to Peter. She seemed like a girl you did _not_ want to mess with.

 

-flashback-

 

" _Mr Stark guess what!"_

 

_He whipped around to see the kid jumping up and down._

 

_What? You kill someone?"_

 

_Pete's expression faltered for a second before he was smiling again._

 

_"No. Flash was being annoying as usual and MJ thanked him."_

 

_Tony's eyebrows furrowed._

 

" _And that's good because?"_

_"Because she thanked him for teaching her how to be a *beep*."_

 

_"Beep?"_

 

_Peter's grin became wider._

 

" _I didn't want to swear.."_

 

_Tony smiled._

 

_-end of flashback-_

 

The girl was something special. It sucked that she had to deal with this.

 

He looked at the clock.

 

_Shoot._

Pepper was going to _kill_ him.

 

***

 

"I have a question."

 

MJ and Peter were walking out of the compound, where Happy would take her home. She was glad. More _drawing_ practice.

 

She hummed in response.

 

"Well, it's not really a question, more an idea really. What if we rate your days? I ask you 'what's your number?' and you reply from 1-10. 1 is great and 10 being horrible? It's just an idea, of course, we don't have to-"

 

"Relax loser, I think it's a good idea."

 

Peter immediately brightened up.

 

"Really, that's great!"

 

They walked in silence, her sneakers hitting the gravel methodically. When they reached the car, Peter stopped.

 

"Number?"

 

Michelle felt a soft smile reach her lips as she looked up.

 

"Seven."

 

Peter looked sad for a moment.

 

"After today though, it's a solid five. Thanks, Peter."

 

He beamed at her. Honestly, his smile was so bright her eyes might be ruined.

 

"No problem. See you tomorrow!"

 

She waved in response. And as she entered the car and took out her sketchbook, she smiled. Her shoulders felt less tense as she watched the view out the window and sketched.

 

She eventually arrived home, and as she got out of the car and said thanks to Happy, she ripped two pages out. 

 

One had him (Happy) on it.

 

He looked pissed at the driver in front of him. At the back, she had scribbled a quick note.

 

'Thanks for the ride. Give the other paper to the dork. Tell him I said thanks for everything.'

                    -MJ

 

The other paper was Peter's face when he lost at Mario Kart.

 

 As she walked the door, she had a little bounce in her step because...

 

  _Someone finally knows._

 

Yes, her number was a 5, but it felt like a 3 now.

 

Yup, it was a 3 for sure. _That loser._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the chapter! School has been a lot lately but I will try to put up a longer chapter next week.
> 
> Take care, take your meds, drink water, I'm proud of you all!
> 
> If you could leave a comment that would be great! I love hearing from you guys and getting feedback. Makes me feel useful.
> 
> ~Hope <3


	5. Captain America and Antidepressants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michelle is having a bad day. Captain America joins her in a drawing session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. I haven't updated in a while, sorry. Exams suck. They weren't the best but I'm gonna try harder this semester. Hope you are all doing great, and enjoy!
> 
> If Quillium sees this, I love you and put that cafe scene! (plus the braids)
> 
> Tw:  
> -Mentions of relapse
> 
> ~Hope ♥

If Peter Parker had asked her for her number that day, it would have been an 8. It was a bad day. Why didn't he ask? Well, it was a Saturday. And she had 5 missed calls from him, which made her heart clench with guilt. So he probably did.   
  
As much as Michelle wanted to camp under her blanket with nothing but her thoughts weighing her down (Ha actually she didn't, but motivation had seeped out of her head today and she couldn't seem to find it in her to move) she did end up falling out her bed once again. For Peter and her own sanity. Oh, why had she gotten herself attached again? Oh yeah, maybe it was because Peter was the purest thing on Earth and never failed to make her day even a minuscule amount better (Hey, use the opportunity to sound smart as much as you can right?)   
  
Also, her therapist had ingrained the word _try_ into her brain so here she was. She did her daily routine in the bathroom (yup still using that grapefruit cleanser) and walked out of the bathroom door and towards her dresser, looking for something to wear. In the end, she settled for a big pale purple knit sweater, (no it wasn't Peter's what are you saying? She didn't steal it from him from her last visit) as well as some cuffed mom jeans, fuzzy wool socks and a decent attitude (just kidding)!   
  
After quickly brushing her hair, and doing a loose braid, (a friend had told her that it was calming and helped with stress) she ran down the stairs and poked her head into the kitchen.   
  
"Mom? I'm going out to Ben and May’s!"   
  
Her mom turned around after finishing her scoop of oatmeal and beamed at her.   
  
"Sure Michelle, just make sure to tell me when you get there and when you're on your way home."   
  
"Okay, love you!" As she ran towards the door, she skidded to a stop.   
  
Ugh, meds.   
  
She walked slowly towards the kitchen once more and grabbed the orange bottle that contained her happiness, popping open the cap, and dry swallowing a pill.   
  
She slipped it into her pocket and ran back through the door.

She walked down the sidewalk, over the cracks, because she was bored.

She heard the light pattern of her fake timberland boots hit the ground, trying to make as small of noise as possible.

Walking. She was walking. Where was she walking to? A new cafe that Peter and May had started. Finally. Peter had told her that May wanted to start it with Ben, but then everything happened and they never did. Now, she had to focus.

It felt like she was fake. Sure, her fingers moved and she didn't feel like she was floating. But, she felt like she was watching everybody. She wasn't disassociating. Nope. Stupid, stupid, no.

 

_God Karen, shut up. No one wants to hear your opinion._

 

She smirked. Then thought that smirking out of nowhere was weird, so she dropped it. Meds? Check. She shivered. Swallowing was hard today. Were they working? Nope.  Actually, maybe. She had to _stop_ thinking. She didn't want to classify it. She didn't know.

 

She could feel buzzing. At the back of her head. _Buzz_. Is that normal? Stop. Stop thinking.

She reached out and yanked a rubber band from her wrist, twisting in her fingers. She would snap, but some might figure out the coping method.

Isn't that what she wanted? Yes. No. She didn't know.

She didn't seem to know much. _Idiot_.

 

_Stop!_

 

She froze all of a sudden. Looked up. She was there. Ben and May’s. Peter had scribbled his name and stuck it messily under the sign. She remembered that moment. Peter had looked out at the sign and complained until May gave him a piece of cardboard to put his name under theirs. What he didn't know, was that she and May were betting on the sign falling off. Michelle thinks it won't last the month. May thinks it'll last two.

Whoever is right gets $5.

Everything sucks. Why couldn't everything be quiet? With that thought, she entered the shop, the bell above the door whispering hello at her, and whoever would listen.

The shop was not quiet. It was a vintage looking shop, the whole hipster ‘aesthetic’.

Reflexively, she covered her ears. It was full of people. She _hoped_ May and the loser were okay. She, on the other hand, never had _hope_. And she felt horrible.

 

Her eyes immediately zoomed into an empty corner of the shop, and she walked quickly, slipping into the comfortable seat. Coming here was a routine. Or a safe place. She came here whenever she had to clear her head. She never ordered anything today. She didn't deserve it. Blinking back tears, she took out her sketchbook from her bag, and held her pencil up, ready to draw.

 

Don't cry. Michelle Jones doesn't cry.

 

She sketched. Blinked back tears. Sketched some more. Wrote down thoughts. Froze. She should tape her tear ducts shut goddammit.

People are stupid. She should die. Why did she have to relapse? _Stupid_ _stupid_ _stupid_. She could feel the stinging feeling of her scratches against her purple sweater. Friction is dumb.

It was a bad day.

 

“Hello, are you okay ma’am?”

She knew that voice. Goddamn Captain America. No one else was that kind or spoke like that. He always came here after his morning runs. Orders the Blueberry Ice Cappuccino, she noted.

She looked up with a still expression.

“Yes, I am. Sir,” she said the last bit with a pissed off voice.

“Well then you wouldn't mind me joining you, I take it?”

“Not. At. All.” she spit out.

He pulled up a seat and sat down, rummaging through his bag for what she assumed to be _his_ sketchbook.

“So, what brings you here this early in the morning? Don't you teenagers like to sleep in?”

 

His sketchbook was now open, and he was sketching with a charcoal pencil. _Nice._

 

“I would if I were _normal_.” She laughed bitterly at that, making quotations with fingers at ‘normal’.

Steve seemed interested in that. Or maybe he was good at reading expressions, because he leaned forward, still working in his sketchbook.

“Oh really? And why is that? You got a reputation to keep? Cause I don't know any kid who would want to be up this early, other than Peter over there,” he whispered the last part, his head in the direction of the loser.

 

Michelle was bored, and so she decided to see if 'Ice Cap’ was very accepting after all. Of course, she was gonna have some fun with it.

“Well I mean, kinda. I do drugs. I'm a druggie.” she said while slipping the meds from her pocket and sliding across the table. With a side wink.

At first, Steve's face went stone cold. Or, what they all called the ‘PSA stare’. He looked down at the bottle, and his gaze softened. Aw well, look at that. Our National Captain was a huge softie. How _precious._

 

“Antidepressants, huh. Well, not many know this, but I was put on them when I came back from the ice. You're really strong, you know that? It's not easy fighting your head, especially when it controls the rest of your body.”

She allowed a slight shock to cross her face, then winced.

“No, not that strong. I screwed up.”

Part of her didn't know why she was opening up to the man, and _Avenger_  for god's sake, but it felt nice.

“Relapse, I'm guessing? Nobody is perfect you know. You can always try again.”

She looked up at him, grinned, and went back to sketching.

 

Opening up isn't that bad, is it? And while today wasn't the best, it ended with a portrait of her, made by Captain America himself (he was amazing), a drawing of 'PSA' Steve Rogers (that he happily took), exchanged numbers, a vanilla ice cap, and a surprisingly warm feeling in her chest.

 

Maybe she did have hope after all.

  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! Take care of yourselves, I'm proud of you all! Leave me a comment? I love them. This is to a better second semester! *finger guns* (its a thing now)
> 
> ~Hope ♥


	6. Volunteering and Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michelle has a hard time believing that some things aren't her fault. Featuring a therapist. Some fluff and angst, you're welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I wanted to give you guys another chapter, you deserve it. The little kid was my brother, and he is not leaving our side again. Everything was real, except the therapist. I wish.
> 
> Mentions:  
> -self-harm coping method (1 line)  
> -intrusive thoughts  
> -negative self-description  
> -almost car crash (1 line) 
> 
> ~ Hope ☁

Why was she here? Volunteering. At a contest. In the  _ kid's _ section for god's sake.

She already had all of her 40 volunteer hours. Her mom was one of the people testing the kids, so was her dad (he was finally back from his trip to Turkey). She was currently lost and confused because so many kids were waiting.

The parents were getting angry. It was like those games where you try to serve the people at a restaurant, but so much was happening, it was all  _ too much _ , and they got mad. And screamed and eventually left. That? Was exactly what happened here.

She got placed as an ‘ _ usher _ ’ which is probably the job they gave to the last minute volunteers because there were a lot of them. She got stuck with the kids, and it was surprisingly okay. She called some adults in to get tested, but it was all organized and going well. Until rush hour. All of a sudden, there was a bunch of kids and parents, and the hallway wasn't so big anymore.

_ Too much. It's all too much. _

Still, being the actor that she was, she put on a large smile and kept going.

“Excuse me, what's your _ room number _ ? 8? Alright, come over here.”

 

* * *

 

She could feel it. Everyone was _ annoyed. _ The parents didn't want to wait. And she didn't blame them. But she could hear them, even if they were whispering, complain.

_ This is too long. What’s taking so long? So unorganized. _ They said. Again. And again And  _ again _ . Irritation seeped into her bones, a stoic expression taking control on her face.

She opened and closed the marker in her hand, that, coincidently was red. She made three quick lines on her thumb.

She got up, hands clenched to her sides, and walked. Kept walking. Imagine what would happen if they knew that their helper was a  _ suicidal freak. _ No. Think better. I’m a  _ depressed, ugly person _ . But we got to push that aside. She walked back, a heavy feeling in her chest.

_ Screaming _ . That's all she registered. The man who had been waiting had finally  _ snapped _ . Her fault. It's all  _ her fault _ . And even if it wasn't, she deserved it, didn't she? So she braced herself.

Some of the ladies who managed the organization were trying their best to calm the man down. She stood there, trying to block it out.  _ Complaining _ . She's never good enough. It's her section, so they were probably judging her. Her mom was standing outside of the room, looking at her, puzzled. She looked back, trying to breathe. Not your fault. Not  _ your fault _ . Your fault.  _ Her fault. Shoot. _

Haha, she should  _ die _ . No, stop.

“Michelle?”

She turned her head around, looking at the manager.

“Yes?”

“What happened?”

“He just waited for a long time and I guess he saw the judges leaving and thought they were wasting time? I don't know.”

She saw the man, leaving, things in hand after she had  _ finally _ gotten his kids in the testing room. God,  _ impatient people. _

The rest of the day went smoothly, and she went around and chatted with some people, and exchanged social media with the photographer in year 2 of a university. Not bad. She tried to shrug the guilt off, reminding herself that nobody cared, and this was just one day out of many.

Her mom had slipped outside on their way out, and Michelle caught her.

“I tripped over my skirt,” her mom had explained.

“That's why I wear  _ pants _ ,” she had retorted, earning a mock look of hurt from her mom and heavy, warm laughter from her dad.

_ Score. _

They went to an Afghan restaurant, and she learned how quick the atmosphere could change. Some kid ran in the road away from his parents, and a car had been so  _ close _ to hitting him. The girl in the car had a hand on her mouth, terrified, as she drove away. The parents were scolding the kid, worry showing in the form of anger. The joy had faded from their faces, as they kept walking.

She, on the other hand, started thinking. So much for stopping intrusive thoughts.

The rest of the day was  _ unimportant. _

(“Michelle, that's the type of negative thinking that we're trying to minimize.” Rose, her therapist had told her when she went to her appointment. “I did minimize. I only thought negatively 4 times a day this week,” she had replied, smugly. Rose sighed.)

 

_ Fine. _ She ordered a greek salad with tandoori chicken, went home, watched some people being productive on youtube, and finished a painting for Peter's birthday. With a face mask because she wanted to know what the hype was. (“You're practicing  _ self-care _ , that's good” Rose had tried to reason with her.)

She did her night routine and did her daily workout (abs mostly), marked off her bullet journal, charged her phone, and went to bed. Doesn't mean she slept though. The iced coffee in the morning and after school the next day was proof of that.

(“Was that enough?” she had said bitterly. Rose rolled her eyes and smiled, “Sure Michelle. How's decathlon?”...)

  
She'd give her day a 4.  _ Not bad _ , she thought, as she got lost in her head again.  _ Not bad at all. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's done! I'll try to have a chapter up by next week, and I hope you enjoyed it! My new semester started, and I'm gonna portray through MJ, again. Take care of yourselves. Drink water, take a break, eat daily, exercise a bit, talk to a friend. Love you all, feedback would be appreciated! (Can you tell that your comments are the only thing keeping me going? *finger guns* That was bad. I agree. Sorry.)
> 
> ~ Hope☕💕


	7. Anger and Chicken Curry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michelle gets angry sometimes. Peter helps (really he says like 5 sentences and makes everything better).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm back with another chapter for this fanfic. It's been a while but I finally got an idea for a new chapter, so here it is! 
> 
> Fun Fact: I kept changing the title. Here we're the other options:
> 
> -Anger and Temporary Happiness   
> -Anger and First Names  
> -Anger and Insults
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ~Hope ☕

When she woke up, she was greeted with a strong feeling of irritation that seeped into her bones. It grew more when she heard people yelling outside. 

_Shut up._

When she didn't know what to wear.

_Shut up._

When her mom wouldn't stop commenting on it.

"Michelle, why are you angry?" 

"Its nothing."

"Fine. Don't tell me."

_Stop._

So she closed her eyes and let the thrumming of noise make things quiet.

 

* * *

 

Michelle was sipping on some iced coffee she had recently discovered was sold at Ben and May's, which she was quite impressed with. It was a Saturday, and she was waiting for Peter to finish his shift so they could go to her house and hang out. 

The anger had not faded away, and she had glared at everyone who looked her way.

The drink tasted bitter, but she kept drinking it. She _deserved_ it.

She was so lost in her thoughts, she never heard the sound of worn converse walking towards her.

"MJ?"

She looked up, and saw one Peter Parker standing in front of her, his hair a mess and a cheeky grin plastered on his face.

"Yes, dork?"

"Are we going to your house?"

"Yea, is your shift done?"

"Um. I don't know, I think?"

He turned to look at his aunt, and saw her staring at them, making a heart with her hands.

" _May!"_

"What? I'm helping you get a life! Follow your heart!"

"I have a _life,_ May!"

"Staying at home to do homework doesn't count!"

" _Nerd,"_ Michelle mumbled under her breath.

"See! Even your friend agrees!"

Peter looked at Michelle in disbelief.

She crossed her arms over her chest.

"For the record, that fact did not come from a _reliable_ source."

May pitched in one more _opinion._

"Yes it did! It's called, your _heart_! Now scram you love birds!"

Michelle and Peter, at this point,were bright red, avoiding each other's gaze.

"Never speak about this again?"

"Agreed."

 

* * *

 

It was at Michelle's house, that the problem was finally addressed.

She had walked into her house, taken off her shoes more aggressively then needed, said hello to her mom, who embarrassed Peter a bit. _Fine._ A lot.

"Hello Mrs. Jones!"

"Don't Mrs. Jones me, Parker! Call me Maria!"

"Um, I'd rather be respectful Mrs.-

"Uh uh uh! _Ma_ _-ri-a!"_

"Mrs. _M_ _aria?_ "

Her mom shook her head.

"Ugh. Too shy, that one."

Michelle hadn't even _smiled_. She was _tired and frustrated and if they didn't stop talking right now she would punch them, she swears to god-_

"Michelle, honey? Can I talk to you for a second?"

Peter looked at her, then back at her mom, Michelle, one more look to mom, then raised an eyebrow in question.

"Yea sure. Hey Peter, you can go up to my room, I'll meet you there in like 5 minutes alright?"

"Yeah okay, that's fine," Peter mumbled quietly before retreating to Michelle's favourite space.

Once he was gone, her mom looked at her, heavy concern drizzling into her eyes.

"Michelle, honey? What's _wrong_?"

She sighed.

"I don't _know_ , I'm just really angry at everything? I don't want to yell at Peter. I don't know, everything is such a mess."

Her mom looked at her with empathy, and pulled her in for a hug.

"That's alright. Does Peter know?"

"Probably," she sighed. "I'm just avoiding the conversation."

"Do you think that maybe you should stop _avoiding_ and go _talk_ to him about it? I'm sure he'll understand."

Michelle fiddled with the sleeves of her jumper; a yellow knit one that she had gotten from a thrift store with Peter. Apparently the colour yellow improves your mood so she bought it. It was an experiment. So far, no observations.

"I'm thinking."

"Okay."

"Considering it. _Fine._ "

"Great! I'll start on dinner. Chicken curry?"

MJ could feel her mouth water.

"That sounds delicious. Thanks mom."

Then, a whisper.

" _I love you_."

Tamila smiled at her daughter.

"I love you too, sweetheart."

 

* * *

 

Michelle walked into her room, and saw Peter go from standing next to the door, to vaulting onto her bed in 5 seconds top.

The room was dead silent.

"You heard everything, didn't _you._ "

He looked at her sheepishly.

"How _elaborate_ does my lie have to be for you to believe it?"

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I heard alright just please _dontkillme._ "

"If I was to kill you, I wouldn't do it here you idiot. I would do it- actually, I won't tell you. Government might be spying."

Peter rolled his eyes, then flopped onto the bed.

"So, are you alright, _Michelle_?"

MJ joined him on her bed and smacked his arm.

" _Ouch_."

"Mom's making curry. It's really _good_."

"If you say so. You know, irritability is a symptom of depression. It's probably that."

She turned and shoved her face into his warm purple sweater (she gave it _back_. She wasn't clingy like he was).

"Probably. It just sucks, I don't want to be mean, but it's so hard not to lash out."

He moved closer to her.

"Well, I'm sure if you explain it to them like that, they'll understand. And if they don't, they can go shove their opinions elsewhere. You don't need friends who will invalidate you."

She smiled.

"Wow Peter, that was weirdly comforting. Looks like you _are_ capable of using your brain."

Peter glared at her, but he just looked like a pouting puppy.

"Kids! Dinners ready!"

Michelle looked at Peter, and squeezed his hand.

"For real, thank you. Now let's pretend nothing happened and go eat my moms awesome curry?"

Peter squeezed her hand back, as they started walking towards the door.

"Let's do it. Number?"

She stopped walking and looked at him.

"3, I think."

He beamed at her (ugh).

"Kids!"

"Coming!"

They finally made it downstairs and sat on Michelle's dining table.

Her mom looked at Peter with a sly grin.

"If you don't call me Maria, you don't get curry."

Peter's jaw dropped as he looked at MJ in protest.

She just shrugged.

"What? You should do what my mom says. Let me tell you, that curry is the only thing my mom can make right."

Maria smacked Michelle on the head.

"You say that again, and no curry for you _either._ "

"You _wouldn't_ do that, you need us to feed your _ego_."

Her mom sighed.

"Fine you're right. I'll give you both. Next time, I want to hear him Maria, alright?"

"We'll see mom."

"Thanks Mrs. Jones !"

Her mom looked at Peter in mock suffering.

"Just _eat_ the curry already." She groaned.

Peter ate the curry (It was really good).

"It's delicious, Maria."

 

MJ's mom looked at him in shock.

 

_"He said it!"_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this chapter! Please leave feedback I love it when you guys comment, even if its just a heart. Take care and bye!
> 
> ~Hope 💛

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading hope you enjoyed! This is inspired by a fic at Quillium. This is a gift fic for her bc HOLY YOU SHOULD CHECK HER OUT. ANYWAYS THATS ALL THANKS AGAIN AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!
> 
> Take care! <3
> 
> ~Hope


End file.
